I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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