Duck Duck Cougar?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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