come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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