Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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