So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
