apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
