the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
There are leaves in my underwear?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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