My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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