guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
