I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize