Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
