I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
