your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
