there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize