What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
