forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
