Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
