mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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