mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's official drugs can't kill me
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
