I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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