Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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