I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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