But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Alive.
So much puke
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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