I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just threw up on my dentist
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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