Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
