Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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