I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize