sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
