i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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