Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize