Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
