im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
