I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
