the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
