can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
