I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
