When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
