1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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