I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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