Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
