I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
