Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
