is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
