Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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