are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
