even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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