i already hear my dad disowning me
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i just sent this text using only my big toe
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize