So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
