I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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