he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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