well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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