doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
