when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
