I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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