the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
