This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
His nipple licking is glorious
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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