2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
