there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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