My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
