John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
