Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
