You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
