He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
