After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
3 2 1 whiskey
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
