Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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