I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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