He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
