my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
