Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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